Jack Keefe's Blog

Location: Chicago, Illinoise

I pitch for the Chi. White Sox and in the winters I go back to Terre Haute which is wear I am from.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Tiger Would Is In Trouble

Well Al they are all up set because Tiger Would has played Cover the Putter with any thing in knickers. Now every 1 wants to know if you are a famous man do all women want to make the Squeaking Aardvark with you.

Well Al I do not find that Celebrity helps your Batting Average and by Batting Average I do not mean baseball it is a Metta Four it means what percentage of women want to have Sex with you.

Like the other day I was at Sanka Irish Pub here in Terre Haute and this girl came in who was wearing the cutest shoes and sat next to me at the bar and I bought her a Brandy Stinker and she smiled lots and went off to powder her nose and came back with a difrent pair of shoes on with little spiky round heels that is how you know an Indiana girl likes you. Well she said what broad Shoulders I had and how she likes men with broad Shoulders and I said it is no wonder during the season I pitch for the Chi. White Sox. And she said ooooh a baseball player I know it what was your Won Lost record last year. I said that Won Lost record was not a good Parometer for judging Pitchers and she said so what is your WHIP. I thought she was getting fresh and I said I only take my whip out if I know its for a good cause and she laughed and took out a Lap Top and opened Microsoft Axle Al. She figured my FIP and my WHIP and my DIPS and my NARWHAL and then she said Sugar I really can't accept a drink from you I got a little peeved and showed her that I have a World Serious ring but by this time she was slipping her walking Shoes back on. Now you may think it is all a life of Feather Beds in the majors but I have been Silly Bate since Twenty Oh Six and part of it is there are just too many God Dam statistics on the Web they print every thing now except the Girth of your Member and I blame Sean Forehead.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Ted Williams Head is in Trouble

Well Al now they are all up set because some kids at a deep freeze lab took the head of Teddy Ballgame and smasht it on a tuna can and sent little splendid Splinters of his brain pan all around the room. This goes to show you Al you must make carefull plans for your Earthy Remains. I myself have sined up to be shot into space on the Voyager star ship but not all of us Sox see things that way. A.J. Pierogi wants to chained to six dirt bikes facing difrent directions and mismembered and then fed to Coyotes. German Die wants to be tipped into a Glacier and found again 40 Thousand Years later in his Sox Uni. Scott Poinsettia says he does not want to die at all he just wants to run around the bases faster and faster till he turns into Butter. Mark Burly wants to go where ever Jimmy Hoffa went. Ozzie Guillen says he would like a traditional Vennasylvanian departure where they chop you with machetes set you on fire launch you from a cannon and then seal you in concrete and then no 1 will play footsie with his severaled head. Paul Conoco says he just wants to be traded to Kansas City.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Whats on Primer lately

Well Al on Primer yesterday we had a discussion of the Barack Obrella Health plan and the usual fifteen lawyers and colledge Proffs and Certifiable Pubic Accountants talkt. Yet when you read the thred the only person who makes any sense is some 1 named Meat Wad. That tells you allot about America today Al four instance if you are sick and you make $400K like me you have Insurance and if a fraction of my Tommy John Tendon gets out of Whack Mr Reinsdork will wisk me to Rush Street Presbyterian and they will replaice it for free with the sinews of a Nostrich. Yet if some 1 who does not play big league ball has Dialabetes and no Insurance then they must Waist away and they cannot even sell a Kidney to get better because the Dialabetes shoots their Kidneys all to Hell like my pal Winfred Brimley says on TV. Now most Liberaltarians think this is fine because if you have the Dialabetes it is because you sucked on two many Milk Duds when you were a Tot and you didnt study hard for the Essay Tee or work on your curve ball like me and so you have no Insurance and to Hell with you. This sounds like Nasty Germany to me but I did not want to Tom Goodwin a perfectly good Thread Al and so I said no Moor.

But then today Al this thread has taken some terns it was about Barack Obrella and the National Health Surface for a while and then the Post Orifice and then it settled into terms for naughty Acts and whether they were introduced into our Language by Man Loving Americans. Well Al it is a little known fact that most terms about Sexual Congress were invented by baseball players and they have some relation to our national Game Al. Take for instance a list of common hip things that young people do to enjoy 1 another in Bed like the well known 1s

Straddling the Bag
Twin Killing
Urban Shocker
Daisy Cutter
Texas Leaguer
Dialing Nine
Four Seamer
Doug Mientkiewicz

Now these may sound Sugdestive but they are wholesome activities and enjoyed by Opposite Attracting Americans and Light in the Loafer Americans and Mullet Wearing Women Americans and all stripes in Between you know me Al I throw no 1 out of the Club House for eating crackers in bed with some other Male individual if both are of age and Consisting Adults.

T-Mac Has a Albom

Well Al they are all up set because T-Mac Carver has cut an Albom of song stylings what of it Al he can not be worst than William Shatner or Tiny Tim or Cher. In fact do not tell any 1 but this Fall an Albom by Yours Truly will appear on shelves it will be intitled Jack Keefe's Songs for Swinging Lovers and the Albom cover will be me throwing 1 past David Ortease for Strike Three get it Swinging Lovers Al its a Pun. Well I know you are Dyeing to hear the table of Contents so here goes but keep it under your Hat Al. Side 1 is That Old Black Magic, You Really Got Me, Vaccinatin' Rhythm, Bongo Bongo Bongo I Dont Wanna Leave the Congo, The Lyons Leaps Tonite, Istanbul Not Constantinople, and My Son Calls Another Man Daddy. On the Flip Side you will hear A Hoarse with No Name, The Monster Mash, Nites in White Satin, Moonlight in Vermont, Smoak Gets In Your Eyes, When You Find a Man with True Grit, and Shiloh When I Was Young. Plus a bonus If I Were A Carpenter and You Were a Lady which I recoarded as a Duvet with A. J. Pierogi. If this Albom sells OK Al they are going to bring me back for A Jack Keefe Christmas which any red blooded Boy would be happy to find in his Stocking with tracks like Bring a Torch Here Dustin Pedroia and The Holly and Mike Ivie.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A Kid Can Not Pitch Al

Well Al now they are all up set because there is this nine Year Old who throws at 40 MPH and no 1 can see his pitches and he is not aloud to play because he is too good this is Communism Al. When I was nine years young in the Yippie Frozen Dessert League in Terre Haute In. you recall I could throw low 70s of course I was a Major League Prospickt all a long. But there was this lady Elma Mae Spassverderber who said all kids in the Yippie Frozen Dessert League must throw 15 miles an hour so that the batters could get an even chance to hit and all the batters must hit .250 and all games must end in a tie and all kids get as much frozen dessert as each Other afterwards. This is when I started to read I'm Rand and I read Atlas Shrugged and in that book it says roughly that if a man who can throw 70 miles an hour but is the Envy of his Niebuhrhood so they force him to lob it over at 15 he will be warped and lose the steely manly edge that makes us a little less than Gods and his soul will Ache and so I started in Legion Ball when I was ten and the rest is His Story Al.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Seventh Inning Stretch

Now as you may halve heard Al they are all up set in NY over should Jabba Chamberlain be a starting pitcher or should he throw the 8th inning like he has been doing and some say it makes no matter when a pitcher pitches and others say if you bring Kyle Farmsworth in any time but the 7th he will blow up like the Hinter Burg. Well now all of these folks with their heads in a Sprit Sheet Al who have never plait the game they can not understand why for a reliefer it matters is it the 7th or the 8th well its simple. In the 7th inning as you know from Time Immaterial there has always been a song sung now in the early days it was Tessie or Run for the Roundhouse Nellie He Cant Corner You There or Jo Jo Dimaggio and then later on in history Its a Beautiful Day for a Ball Game or Take Me Out to the Ball Game by Harry Kiri or Meet the Mets or during the 1960s they used to hold hands and sing Where Have All the Flowers Gone and There But For Fortune. Now a days we sing God Bless America and Cotton Eyed Joe and Who Put the Dogs Out and Suite Caroline but any way in the 7th they sure as hell sing Al and that is the big Deferens. Now if you are a reliefer and your job is the 6th you just throw and if your job is the 8th you just throw but if it is the top of the Seventh you are worried am I in voice and can I remember the words and What Would They Do If I Sang Out of Tune and if its the bottom you are doing a post Morton of your singing performance and sometimes you forget where the plate is at least I have so that is why Ozzie Guillen has a new Roll for me which is Second Out of the Third Inning Guy.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Should the Mets Sine Bonds Al

Well now they are all up set should the Mets sign Barely Bonds and is he a distraction because his Skil Set is so Narrow. Al these guys with their nose in a Spread Sheet do not know how baseball is played let me explain Al. Baseball is for those who can do certain things like Barely Bonds can hit a home run if he takes his stereos and Scott Cashmere can change speeds on his pitches and Joe Creed can throw from his knees in back of third base and A.J. Pierogi can run to first base in the playoffs on Strike Three. You do not need to be a Reefer Johnson or a Jim Thorpe to play the game this is no punt pass and kick Al. Now look at us Sox we half Jim Toomey who runs as fast as a Deep Freeze and threw away his first basemans mitt and Won Your eBay who cannot hit his way out of Paper or Plastic and Nick Swishy who was taught by Billy Bean never to swing his bat only wait for the base on balls and me Jack Keefe who never got the hang of the Breaking Pitch but we are in 1st place as usual and we have our World Serious Rings which I do not see on the Mets pinkies lately. It just goes to show you Al that you can not play baseball on papper you need Tools and as Ozzie Guillen always says to me Keefe you are the biggest Tool in the Box.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Why We Sox Have Dolls Al

Well now they are all up set because we Chisox have life size dolls in our club house called Cyndee and Raylee but there is a miss understanding Al. Yes we call Cyndee and Raylee our Slump Busters but there is nothing Impure about it. When you are having trouble getting the old pill across the platter you need to practice practice practice as the man said which way to Canarsie Hall. So in the tunnel in the Cell we set up a regulation home plate and a rubber 60 feet 6 away and we prop up Cyndee or Raylee she bats left and Cyndee right. Yes there is a bat in their Posterior but that is just so they will stand up otherwise you know a doll will fall over it is not Buy Pedal. Now lets say I need my slump busted I stand on the rubber and A.J. Pierogi squats behind Cyndee and I fire it in there till I can throw strikes again and Ozzie Guillen umpires and says Good toss Keefe that one was at her Naval or too fine Keefe that one was at the top of her Rack. It just goes to show you never jump to Conclusions like if you see a needle in someones locker he is not always on the stereos he could be a Dialabetic or just have dwarfism and need Huge Growth Whoremoan.