Our Beauty Tips

Al 1 question we are often asked is how do ball players manage to look so good. It is a sweaty profession but unless its August in Florda we all look freshly manucured and even in Tamp A Bay they have air conditiening Al. Well many are the secrets of male beauty and here are some. The first thing is the beard. Al I have no beard I am clean shriven. But many ball players have a cute tuft on the chin or maybe side burns or they might have a Seoul Patch. 1 Thing the fans do not remember is that not every big leaguer is as old as Jolio Franco. Some of these kids have just quit high school and not even been to a college like Corn Hell or Ivy Tech Kokomo. Take Brenda McCarthy on our club he can not even grow wiskers. So many is the lad who grows a goadee and then to balance their head in back they grow a Mullet Al. Next thing that all hitters must do is stick stickies under their eyes in dark colors to propel the sun away from their eyes some of the vetrans use lamp Black but now there are stickies you can press apply and they say Nikey or some such. Last thing is an Ear Ring which I do not wear Al I once went to Cathys Pursing Hut at the Honey Creek Mall and ast for the Twofer One Ear Lob Special but the girl took out her pursing gun and I fainted dead away and had to be revived with a extra large helping of Dipping Dots what a day that was.

Home Runs for the Sox

Well Al as you know we won yeasterday 13-3 and how many home runs did we hit I lost count. German Die hit two and Conoco the oaf hit 1 and Joe Creed and even little Gucci hit one he skipt around the bases for joy after wards it was a site to be wholed. They say that there is more home runs hit this April since any April since Umpteen Ninety Six and why is that Al theories abound. Some say stereos but we know that is a thing of the Passed. Some say the baseball is springier it is now made of Indian Rubber. Some say it is that most of them are hit against Seattle which has pitchers who should be in single A. Jim Tumi says that globle warming has led to a lower coefficient of Gravity which makes sense to me Al. Al if you have any theories standing around your water cooler in the office there in Terre Haute send them in and post them on my Blog your guess is as good as Hours.

Were on Top Al

Al were do the days get to it has been 2 weeks sins I have blogd well for 1 thing the Sox have been motoring into 1st place a top the Amercan League and I have been pretty busy. Not pitching purr say Al as Ozzie Guillen has kept me mostly in reserve but when a club is as focused as us Sox there are a lot of things I have to do like get coffee for German Die and Potsetting which some say is a PEZ Al but I make it half decaf and half French Rowst. I always pick up a New Yorker for Chris Widget who reads the lads stories after lights out in the team hotel and lately I have had to make sure that Jim Tumis fetish objects are laid out around his bed every nite its not what you are thinking Al for Tumi is not the type to be into leather or whips but he has small carved images of wilderness beasts like the elk and the mighty grisly bear with Tim Salmon in its mouth and these he has me place at the Cardinal directions of the compice while he sleeps. It must work Al because last nite Tumi hit another home run off of Yoohoo Santana which is next 2 impossible hitting a homer of Santana is like Rob Snider winning a Oscar.

This is Blogging Al

Well Al we just beat Det. and here I am in the club house blogging on my lap top though it is hard to hold on my lap Al I am down to my skivvies and the plastic is tickly cold on my knees. Chris Widget says I do not blog right he says I just rite things down. Chris Widget says that what bloggers do is keep a web blog which is what they want you to read on the web. Well Al here goes. The sights I always read are the Chi. White Sox and the Chi. Sun Times and my alma madder Ivy Tech Kokomo where they are razing money to build the Jack Keefe Ball Field. You also have not lived Al until you have visited the web sight of Ozzie Guillen with a record of his mangerial skills. People say Keefe what do you look at all day on the Inter Net and I say mostly the time of day which you can get 24 seven it beats that old clock on the telephone you used to call up and this dame would say at the tone the time will be. Also Al on the Web you can googul things and I googuled me & found this old thing which says it is by Jack Keefe I highly doubt it Al it seems to be from the stone ages but who knows could be some other Keefe used to play ball at 1 pint.

We Lose in KC

Al we lost in KC yeaster day and Ozzie Guillen says boys it is not yet time to call 911 but you might at least put them on your speed dial. Gentlemen said Ozzie Guillen losing to Kansas City in April is no shame if it is the year 1985 but this is a new Century. Al you may have read in the papers that I gave up a run in the 8th well they exagerate a little. First I had to pitch to Grudzielanek and I had to consentrate real hard on his name so I could spel it right on my blog later and before I knew it Grudzielanek had hit a triple. Then who should come up but my old pal Doug Mientkiewicz now his name is a lot easier to spell its just like it sounds Mientkiewicz but while I was thinking on that and trying not to wave to Mientkiewicz because we must not frattenice on the field then Doug hits a little squib to Conoco and as usual this takes Conoco competely by surpirse and by the time the dust is settled Grudzielanek has scord. Some day I will play on a team with competent filders Al and then my ERA will go through the floor of Filenes Basement.

We Lose Again Al. Our Rituels.

Well Al as you see in the papers we lost again yester day to Cleve. which means we will only beat them by about 158 games this year instead of 160 so what. Now Al a ?? I get askt a lot is how do you big leegers deal with losing so much even your 1927 Yankees must of lost about 40 games. Well this is true Al you cannot always cry in your beer and there is not always a girl named Jennifer around whose shoulder you can cry on either though 1 nite in Toronno last year but I must not kiss and Tell Al. Well to get us past the losses we each have our rituels I like to do a cross word puzzle from the Trib though sometimes they use funny spellings Al. Little Gucci preparse a green tea ceramony if we lose and a black tea ceremony if we win. German Die sings "Chicago Chicago that Toddlin town" loud enouf to wake the Dead if we lose and he sings "On the South Side of Chicago" if we win he has a nice Barry Tone. Yesterday I learnt Jim Tumi's ritual after a loss which is he stares into space and you can flick a towel at the back of his neck he does not move. Ozzie Guillen says laugh if you lose tomrrows an other day. But A.J. Pierogi smashes his bat into his lockher it has cost the club a few replacement doors you bet Al.

Instead of Stereos

Al yester day we played a day game and lost to Cleve. which is to be ex pected we are still tooning up Fredy Garcia decided to throw a little batting practice I said to Ozzie Guillen Skip when you get tired of Garcias antics I am ready for the Rowtation and Ozzie Guillen said he would take it under advisement what ever that means. Anyway our hero was Tumi who hit another Home Run he will be the homer champ for sure. I ast Tumi why he does not take stereos because if he can hit so many without he could hit 74 with and be on a box of Weedies. Tumi said Keefe I would never soil my skin with the trace of a needle. To hit home runs I visualize the trajectory of the baseball. Baseballs follow an arc through spacetime and I merely help them find their destiny. I could not folow his argument but that is why he makes 14 milion Dollars and I make the minimium.

My Off Day Al

Well Al some of the fans will ask what do the Sox do on their off days which yester day was one. Do you play golf well some do and do you go to the beach yes some of the new boys Jim Tumi and Javier Vaquero went to Oak Street Beach to see what its like and took shovels and pails and an umberella but Tumi got some frost bite on his toes and Vaquero had to rub snow on him. But you know me Al I am not one for the outa doors I like some culture and yester day me and Chris Widget or as Chris Widget would say Chris Widget and I we went to the Chicago Art Institution. They have some great pictures Al and they are not posters either but real oil paintings some are of nudes Al. There is 1 called American Goths which is a farmer and his old lady they look like folks you see round Terre Haute and there is an other Nighthawks which is these people in a coffee shop at all hours they look like Potsetting and Joe Creed sitting up after a night game in Cleveland. Chris Widget says that the museum is a good place to meet girls Al and I reckon he is right some Russian girls were there and he started talking to them in French Al but I say if a girl can not speak English what is their to talk a bout so I went and had a samwich in the lunchroom instead.

I Get a Save Al

Well Al as by no doubts you know since I know you get Espn in Terre Haute we have started our season beating Cleve. which for us is a piece of Duncan Hines. It rained till about 1am in Chi. last nite which was only midnite dateline savings time and I got the save though Ozzie Guillen says it is no save if you are six runs ahead and pitch the 9th I said what if Cleve. had scored seven runs that would have pulled you up short Mr Guillen that would have put a spook in your push cart wheel. So I lookt in the Sun Times this morning and the box score says Keefe no save and the story does not mention me at all I think we need to keep 2 sets of books this season Al one for the Elias Brothers and one for Jack Keefe and in my book Al my record is 0-0 0.00 One Save.